Insecure – Body Image.

This week I thought I would change up the topic. Lately I’ve been so consumed in the feeling of not looking or feeling good enough, whether that is what I look like, or how I’ve acted towards people that I love. I’ve come to the point where I can (most of the time) accept the fact that its ok to feel this way. When I’m out, or even in work I have the constant thought that when I see people I haven’t seen in ages, that I have put a huge amount of weight on since they’ve last seen me, and that they can see it. I know that I shouldn’t think this way but I can’t help it. Also, when someone is standing by the side of me, I feel that they are staring at all my imperfections from my side profile. Sometimes it takes over my whole thought process. I know it is a personal thing but I can’t help it.

I’ve never been skinny, as much as I long to be comfortable in my own skin. I wish to have a slim, toned body which I perceive as perfect, but again I subconsciously know that there is no such thing as perfect. Some days are worst than others, sometimes I’ll get ready to go out, put jeans on and a top (the usual) and just feel awful, no confidence (not that I have any anyway), I just want to get straight into pyjamas and roll into bed and hide, I don’t want people to see me in the ‘state’ that I’m in. The worst part is when clothes shopping, whether that is in store or receiving a parcel from an online retailer. And again I know that all sizes are different depending on where you go, but it still knocks your self esteem massively. When I try clothes on that are my size but don’t fit from certain retailers, I get really upset, (I’m gonna get really honest now) it makes me feel so insecure that I just want to hide, close my eyes and go to sleep to escape from this feeling. I know that close family to me have said, when they’ve seen me try a coat on from a shop I’ve never bought from before, and put it on and it doesn’t fit. It’s that instant sickness feeling when you realise that you cannot escape from the shame of it not fitting. Or when you go into a high street store and you’re looking for an outfit for an occasion which implies you’ll have to try it on, you grab your size and trot off to the dressing room, you try it on and your in the same position, it doesn’t fit. You’re surrounded by mirrors showing every lump and bump, stretch mark or scar that you have. It’s such an overwhelming feeling that just shifts your mood.

Social media has such a massive strain on topics like this. When I was maybe 12 or 13 I joined Instagram, this was when it was a massive thing, everyone had it in school so I knew I needed it to fit in. Sounds so stupid but that’s what I thought, it was when you had the popular page, you could go on there and search users, but most importantly you would see who had the most likes on their photos. As you can imagine, 13 year old me thought this was the next best thing, which in actual fact was probably the worst thing for my confidence and self esteem, well I suppose it’s the same as all social networking sites, you only see the highlights of those people who live behind the lens, because lets face it, no one would want to see the lowest points because you won’t get as much attention, and that’s all that seems to matter on these sites. The most popular photos always where the ones with men or women with perfect physique, no spots, nothing out of place of what may think ‘perfect’ but what we don’t know, is that that person behind the lens may not (probably doesn’t) look as flawless and perfect in real life, but it doesn’t matter what that person is like from the outside or through a lens, its what they are like as a person. Influencers who post photos on social media platforms for a living, are more than likely to only and I repeat only post the highlights from their day, or even ‘ads’ so they can earn some extra cash. Which again I understand because again, brands/public don’t want to see the down side of people’s day/life. I suppose that you only expose yourself to things like this from following, liking or searching photos like this. Don’t get me wrong I love Instagram but I can see the downfall of that area, it’s a way of looking back on events that mean a lot to you.

I know that this blog post has been a little different from my others, it has definitely been a hard one for me to write. I really appreciate you all being so patient with me as I haven’t posted for the last couple of weeks. I’ve needed to sort a couple of things out with myself, before writing these posts. But I’m back with a few ideas under my sleeve. Look out for more posts. Thank you for all being so supportive through his journey, I want to help people not feel so isolated, I want people to understand that it’s normal to feel a certain way. Love you all so much.

Take care of yourselves xoxo

Pressure.

The pressure, whether that is to do your best or to be perfect. We are all surrounded by the pressure that life throws at us. There is pressure to get a job, look a certain way and to act a certain way. I feel younger people experience a great deal of pressure, especially whilst going through school. Teenagers are so vulnerable, they are going through a massive change whether that being going from year nine to year ten. It’s unavoidable. They are exposed to a great deal of pressure throughout their whole school experience. I feel, myself as I look back I can see when I was in school sitting tests, exams and being pressured to pass every test because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to do the things I  wanted to do. As a teenager you can become unaware of the pressure that is put on you. But also we put so much pressure on ourselves because we see so much on social media.

I mean, don’t get me wrong social media can be an amazing place, you can connect with people who you haven’t seen in years, post events that mean a lot to you, for yourself to look back and think of how blessed you are to have been able to experience that event in your life, sometimes good but some bad. The down side to it is that you expose yourself to things that mess about in your head, for example you go onto Instagram and flick through your feed, you can see that Saffron has just uploaded a new picture in a glorious outfit, her makeup flawless, her figure to die for and her smile is just perfect. The reality of this photo is that she doesn’t just upload any sort of photo to her profile, she’s planned to take a new photo which has taken her more than one take to get the perfect angle, she hasn’t just got up, put on a pair of joggers and a hoodie with greasy hair and a spotty face, because she knows that no one will like that, we only want to see the perfectly curled hair, with perfect pink lipstick, nothing out of place, just perfect. That word perfect.. it just rolls around Jessica’s mind because she feels she isn’t like Saffron, she thinks she should be like Saffron because from what she has seen, Saffron has everything that Jessica wants. She gets hundreds of likes and comments on any photo she uploads. I’m not saying that Saffron is an unrealistic figure I’m saying that people need to realise that this whole social media thing isn’t as perfect as you think. Social media is such a toxic place, you’ll find yourself on there for hours, going through peoples accounts, filling your mind with the unrealistic social media lives, it makes you feel like you need to look this way to be accepted by other people.

Can I just say, that you’re perfect the way you are. You don’t need to change anything about yourself just to fit in and feel like people will like you. Only change if you are doing it for yourself, not for other people. I promise, if you feel you don’t fit in, in time you will find people who accept you for who you are, whether you’re weird like me, you will find people who love you the way you are. I understand people are cruel, and if you know someone who may need a friend, be that person to speak to them and spend times getting to know them because you can change your opinion on that person once you give them your time.

Thank you all again for the ongoing support of my blog, I feel that on here I can express on what I’m passionate about. I have so much I want to say, I’m trying to find structure to this page. I’m forever grateful for all the love you all are showing me. Take care of yourselves.