The Storm.

I feel like Mental health is like the weather. When the sun is shining or it’s just a genuinely beautiful day, you may be having the best day mentally, your anxiety is at bay or you’ve actually made it out of bed. But when the weather changes, whether that is in the same day as the sunshine, it rains, but when it rains it pours. The rain resembles the negative thoughts, the over whelming feeling of anxiety or your depression has hit an all time low. The rain lingers, turns to thunder, then lightning but still continues to rain. You feel there is no rainbow in sight.

When you feel you have your mental health under control whatever that may be, if you’re like me I am just waiting for that rain to fall on a sunny day. Imagine this, it’s your day off you wake up early you actually feel refreshed for the first time since you can remember. You proceed with the usual routine, as soon as you sit there and be silent with your thoughts, you realise “okay, so I’m in a good mood. Amazing for the first time in a while. But why?? Why am I in a good mood?? This usually means something bad is going to happen. But when is it going to happen..” these questions rotate around my head like a hamster running as fast as it’s little legs can handle. This makes your beautiful sunny day turn to a massive storm in a matter of hours.

When I’m expecting this storm that I know for sure is brewing, I make myself panic, overthink every step I make. I feel vulnerable. I feel I’m letting everyone down around me, that I am treating people a way I would never want to be treated. I’m becoming the person I despise. I don’t feel the same.

I’m fully aware that the only person who can change these thoughts and feelings are myself. Instead of seeing all the negatives, try to see the positives. At the end of the day, I am lucky to be here today. Where I am in my life. But that’s the problem, when will I feel good enough or worthy enough?? Will I be able to overcome this stage in my life?? I ask the same questions multiple times a day. If I’ve not completed a task I should have completed, I feel I’ve let everyone down that I’m not worthy of this opportunity. If I’ve forgotten to do something that I promised to do, I feel I’ve let everyone down that no one will ever trust me.

2019 was suppose to be the year that I focused on myself. Focused on this, what you’re reading The World of Meg. But things have gotten in the way, I’m gonna just admit I’ve been struggling mentally with a lot of things. My Anxiety it 100% still present as much as I want it to magically disappear, but it won’t. If I ignore it, it’ll still be there tomorrow. I’ve felt so unmotivated. But I want to get back to writing. I have things I want to open up about but I need to fully accept I’m ready first. Time does heal but if you don’t face that fear of re-living that period of your life you won’t be able to over come it. It takes time. Don’t rush.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you. Thank you for sticking with me. Thank you for being so patient with me.

Take care,

Meg xx

It’s Okay..

It’s okay to feel crappy, it’s okay to be self conscious, to not love yourself. It’s  okay to have bad days whether your mental health is playing up more than usual. Don’t feel guilty for feeling this way, we are human and we have emotions. You don’t have to pretend that everything is ok.

If you feel you should be happy because, you have a family, you have a job, a roof over your head or everything seems like it is in place for you. You could have all the things you desire and still feel like you haven’t got it all together. You feel like everything is out of your control. The thing is we beat ourselves up over the fact that you should be happy, you step back and think, why am I feeling this way? What’s causing this emptiness? But remind yourself that you are allowed to feel this way. Yes, you can help yourself out by maybe writing down everything you’re thankful for, whether that be your health or your job. Try to write down as much as you can, so when you feel like all the negative thoughts are taking over you can look back and think of what opportunities you have been given. The bad days help shape who we are tomorrow, not what we are today.

However, don’t feel bad for feeling this way. No one, I repeat no one has the perfect life. From an outsiders point of view, you may think that Mark from round the corner has everything going for him, he has loads of friends, always smiling, the dream job everything that you define as perfect. The thing is, Mark suffers from depression, OCD and anxiety he pretends to be happy, that everything is going perfectly fine, but in actual fact he feels like his world is crumbling right in front of him. He puts this mask on, and he becomes the person who everyone wishes they were. But he feels like he is slowly rotting away, in his crippling mental illness. He’s too scared to talk to someone because he feels because of the stereotypical traits of a man, he should be the “strong male” to not cry, to not show weakness. When in actual fact, there is nothing wrong with a man talking about his worries. Bottling it up eats away at you.

Did you know that the biggest killer of men under the age of 45 is suicide, this has to change, we need to break this stigma. Men need to open up, don’t force your friend/partner to tell you what’s on their mind. Just offer your shoulder, offer them your time. Listen to what they have to say,  a problem shared is a problem halved. Don’t shut them down, they have a right to feel this way. If he brushes you off, just remind him that you’re always there to talk, it doesn’t take long. Just check on him.

Helpful Links:

2018 – 2019

Featured

I don’t know if it’s just me but New Years makes my anxiety rocket from say a five to a ten quicker than you can say New Years. The thought of watching the count down, 3,2,1 and it’s 2019, sends shivers down my spine. I know many of you won’t understand but maybe a handful of you do. All I can think about is what could happen in the year to come. Whether loved ones will be with me this time next year, whether I’ll be better as a person or I will be the person I would hate to be. I know that I’m the only one who can ensure I don’t turn into the person who I would hate to be. But time moves so fast and it won’t stop for anyone. Even though you may feel at one point in the year that everything stops, because something has happened that makes life feel so still and empty.

Life is so precious, it’s so easy to take for granted. I’ve done it, I’m sure you have too. It’s mad that we only realise that we take it for granted when something happens that puts things into perspective. One saying I always stick by and strongly believe in, is everything happens for a reason. When something happens, that is life changing, I feel whether you’re religious or not, God or life has put that obstacle in your way for a reason. Because maybe experiencing this will help shape you into a better YOU. Help you realise that this is your life, you only have one shot so take the experience fully on board and you never know, maybe you’ll understand why this happens.

Believe in yourself, never doubt. I know for myself I probably spend the majority of my time doubting my decisions, this is something I want to change, not for anyone else but for myself. Don’t ever let anyone rule what you want to do. I feel if you truly believe in something you’ll get your head down and work for it. Unfortunately, things like this aren’t given to you on a plate, you’ve got to get on with it and face it head on.

This year I don’t want to set a resolution, because I feel that they are just empty promises to myself. They don’t mean anything to me. I just want to set myself little goals every week. To work on myself, to better myself, get rid of the fake people who wouldn’t even think twice about me. Toxic relationships – gone. I’m going to be selfish, being selfish doesn’t harm anyone. If you think, when you board a plane and the safety briefing commences, the flight attendant will explain “oxygen masks will drop from above…..put your own mask on first before anyone else’s”. This is classed as being Selfish. Selfishness isn’t a bad thing just don’t take advantage of it.

To you who is reading this. Thank you so much for this year, starting this blog has helped me in so many ways. More than you can imagine. It’s incredible to think that I’ve helped some of you reading this. This is honestly something I cannot even comprehend. I cannot believe that you’re taking time out of your day to read my posts. I’m sorry I haven’t been posting much lately, I’m hoping to get back on schedule again.

Hope you all had an incredible Christmas. And happy new year to you all! I wish you all the best take care of yourselves.

Megs xoxo (Instagram: Megjune99)

Loneliness

Isolation, abandonment, sadness…

The feeling of being isolated, you look at other peoples relationships and wish you had a friendship like theirs. Whether you’re recovering from a break up, or loss of friends I know how you feel, you’re not alone. I know you may feel like your suffocating yourself with the thoughts of longing to have a large group of friends. I’ve been there, and I’m here to tell you you’re not alone, and it’s normal to feel this way. I promise. The thing is, if we weren’t meant to feel lonely, we wouldn’t even know there was such feeling.

Even the one person you think has it all, from what you see is that they have a large group of friends, they seem happy, they have a house they live comfortably, all the things you long to have in your life. However, they could be the one who feel they have no one, they could go home and cry themselves to sleep, they don’t talk about it because they feel that they don’t have the right to feel this way. Which in fact (again), it’s ok to feel this way.

I remember, I left school at 16 and went straight into work whilst all of my “friend(s)” stayed in school for sixth form. I feel when this happens, you seem to go your separate ways, oh and you find out the truth of what your so called friends have said about you behind your back. Going straight to work after finishing school has made me such a different person. Even though I’ve lost so many people on this journey, I’ve also gained some proper friends along the way. I think sometimes you need to be in a bad place to actually appreciate the good things. I went through a stage just over a year ago, where I was in a job which at the time I didn’t realise was making me so negative, it was such a toxic work place my mental health spiralled, I went into a deep hole which was just (what it felt) Myself, loneliness and crazy anxiety. I woke up, anxious and sad, and I went to sleep crying and anxious. I was always just drained from energy from the amount of effort it took to even wash my hair, all the simple tasks seemed the hardest. I would go into work for 8:30 even though my shift didn’t start until 10, just because if I stayed home I would be in a state and would make myself sick from the thought of leaving the house, the thought that if I spoke to my manager I didn’t know whether she would rip my head off or reply in a polite tone (you can guess what would happen majority of the time). After working there for two years, I knew I needed to leave so I applied for a job in a Hospital Pharmacy, in which I can now say I’m happy with work. I wake up in the morning not dreading going into work, my managers are both lovely and I know I can speak to them when I need help. I can say good morning to them and they’ll be willing to have a conversation with me, I no longer need to walk on egg shells.

As well as being content with my job, I have finally found true friends, that I trust and I hope that they trust me too(you know who you are). What I’ve learnt is that you don’t have to have a large group of friends to feel happy and accepted, I only have a handful of friends and if I’m honest I do feel that I prefer it. The thing is as long as you treat people the way you want to be treated you will gain a huge amount of respect from those who are willing to spend their time with you, and if they don’t, you shouldn’t waste your precious time and energy on them. You’re worthy of living a happy and healthy life!

So the moral of this story/blog post, is that its okay to feel lonely, but I beg you please speak to someone, it’s important to tell someone how you’re feeling. Being stuck in this isolating bubble on your own is not nice, I would never wish it on my worst enemy. If you feel like you have no friends, I’ll be your friend. You’re not alone!

Remember: Take care of yourself, it’s ok to be selfish sometimes x

Anxiety

It’s not just the feeling of butterflies before you go into an interview. It’s the constant disbelief, the nauseous feeling that sits at the pit of your stomach for no reason. You could wake up on Sunday morning, feel fine, get ready and as soon as you go to leave the house, it hits you like a ton of bricks. The worst possible thoughts circling around your head. What if I leave my hair straighteners on? Did I lock the back door? Did I leave my lights on? What if I forget my keys? What if I see someone who doesn’t like me? What if I see someone who I know? What if my friend is late? I will look ridiculous waiting for her!! They consistently circle around and around. Like a dull headache that won’t go away, you feel trapped like there is no way out, which then can trigger you to start panicking. It leads you to turn around and head straight back up to your room because that’s classed as your safe haven.

Even though you are back in your safe place, it still doesn’t stop all the negative thoughts going round and round your head like your stuck on a rollercoaster with no end. This is when the sickness worsens, your chest tightens, which causes you to lose your breathe, you try to remind yourself to breathe but those thoughts are out weighed by all the uneasy thoughts. Breathe, it’ll be ok, you try to remind yourself every second. This can last from an hour to a day, a week or even a month. You know you need to control the thoughts, but thats easier said than done. You feel no one understands why you’ve had to cancel plans that day because you physically couldn’t leave the house. Anxiety is crippling, you second guess every move, you find it hard to make decisions on your own.

If you’ve done something wrong, you over analyse the situation. You worry about what people think of you. When you meet someone new your anxiety is telling you that they are judging you and that they can’t even be bothered to talk to you, but you don’t see that that person who is talking to you actually thinks you’re a great person. You never seem to understand why you feel this way but the thoughts just take over! You’re trapped in this cycle which seems never ending. I promise you that it will get better, baby steps, talk to someone about the way you’re feeling. I know how you feel, I’ve been here, I can’t say I’m fully out of this place because if I said that I was I would be lying. I want you to know if you’re dealing with these thoughts DAILY it’s so important to talk about it, you never know your best friend could be dealing with the same thing but again, feels like they can’t talk to anyone. You could be that ONE person who starts the conversation to help them out, I promise it’ll help you in the long run.

In 2013, there were 8.2 million cases of anxiety in the UK, this is a crazy amount considering this is only from those who have opened up about their mental health. 75% of young people who are diagnosed with a mental health disorder are NOT receiving treatment, due to the lack of funding and research surrounding mental health.

Anxiety and all mental health conditions need to be taken seriously. The main thing I want you to take from this is that, again it’s okay to say you need help, this shows that you understand you have a problem that needs to be taken care of. Also, if you feel your friend is having a tough time, offer them your time, I promise they’ll really appreciate it.

I just wanted to add a massive thank you for all the support from my last blog post, I cannot believe the amount of feedback I’ve had from it. The fact that you guys have taken time out of your day to read it and to even share it, it means the world to me!! I cannot thank you all enough. Much love to you all xx

 

(Anxiety UK – http://www.anxietyuk.org.uk )

Mental Health.

It’s okay not to be okay.

 

I feel that this topic is very fitting for today, as it is World Suicide Prevention Day. I find it crazy how it is the 21st Century and there is still a huge stigma surrounding Mental Health. Mental illness can affect anybody, and the most unfortunate thing is that the majority of those who suffer, sadly stay silent. They feel like they can’t talk about how they are feeling, because you’re quick to think that that friend you haven’t seen in months is “unsociable” because they always cancel plans last minute with what you think is a “stupid excuse”, but you never think to double check whether they’re okay, or just say “that’s ok, I’m here if there is anything you want to talk about, let me know when you’re ready” instead you say “you never come out” or “stop being so boring, why do I bother”. I’m not saying that every friend who cancels plans last minute suffers from a mental health condition, I’m just saying if there is a pattern that seems to occur there may be something more than “being busy”.

It’s so important to start the conversation, to open that door to offer them your time. Whether it be via phone, in person or text. Sometimes just saying “I’m here for you whenever” means so much to them because you are someone they love, it gives them the opportunity to talk about how they are feeling. If your friend Susan has been a little quiet recently or acting differently start the conversation, it’s okay not to be okay.

At least 1 in 4 people will experience some sort of Mental Illness at some point in their life, whether that be OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), Bipolar, Anxiety or Depression.

Suicide is the biggest killer in men under the age of 45. At least 84 men every week take their own lives to suicide every week, thats over 4,000 men every year! This figure needs to change!

Young women between the ages of 16 to 24 are almost three times more likely (26%) to experience a common mental health problem as their Male contemporaries (9%) and have higher rates of self harm, bipolar disorder and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

I think that as a whole we can all do something to help break the stigma surrounding mental illness. Whether that be speaking out about our own experiences or being there to help support your family and friends who may need that extra bit of your time as they may need someone to talk to.

For those who are struggling, please don’t suffer in silence. It’s important to speak to someone whether you speak to a friend, family member or healthcare professional, or there are loads of charities out there to offer help and support 24/7.

Please remember, it’s okay not to be okay you’re not ALONE.

Take care of yourself, its ok to be selfish sometimes x

Helpful charities:

(all info listed above, from NHS Mental Health Helplines)