The Storm.

I feel like Mental health is like the weather. When the sun is shining or it’s just a genuinely beautiful day, you may be having the best day mentally, your anxiety is at bay or you’ve actually made it out of bed. But when the weather changes, whether that is in the same day as the sunshine, it rains, but when it rains it pours. The rain resembles the negative thoughts, the over whelming feeling of anxiety or your depression has hit an all time low. The rain lingers, turns to thunder, then lightning but still continues to rain. You feel there is no rainbow in sight.

When you feel you have your mental health under control whatever that may be, if you’re like me I am just waiting for that rain to fall on a sunny day. Imagine this, it’s your day off you wake up early you actually feel refreshed for the first time since you can remember. You proceed with the usual routine, as soon as you sit there and be silent with your thoughts, you realise “okay, so I’m in a good mood. Amazing for the first time in a while. But why?? Why am I in a good mood?? This usually means something bad is going to happen. But when is it going to happen..” these questions rotate around my head like a hamster running as fast as it’s little legs can handle. This makes your beautiful sunny day turn to a massive storm in a matter of hours.

When I’m expecting this storm that I know for sure is brewing, I make myself panic, overthink every step I make. I feel vulnerable. I feel I’m letting everyone down around me, that I am treating people a way I would never want to be treated. I’m becoming the person I despise. I don’t feel the same.

I’m fully aware that the only person who can change these thoughts and feelings are myself. Instead of seeing all the negatives, try to see the positives. At the end of the day, I am lucky to be here today. Where I am in my life. But that’s the problem, when will I feel good enough or worthy enough?? Will I be able to overcome this stage in my life?? I ask the same questions multiple times a day. If I’ve not completed a task I should have completed, I feel I’ve let everyone down that I’m not worthy of this opportunity. If I’ve forgotten to do something that I promised to do, I feel I’ve let everyone down that no one will ever trust me.

2019 was suppose to be the year that I focused on myself. Focused on this, what you’re reading The World of Meg. But things have gotten in the way, I’m gonna just admit I’ve been struggling mentally with a lot of things. My Anxiety it 100% still present as much as I want it to magically disappear, but it won’t. If I ignore it, it’ll still be there tomorrow. I’ve felt so unmotivated. But I want to get back to writing. I have things I want to open up about but I need to fully accept I’m ready first. Time does heal but if you don’t face that fear of re-living that period of your life you won’t be able to over come it. It takes time. Don’t rush.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you. Thank you for sticking with me. Thank you for being so patient with me.

Take care,

Meg xx

2018 – 2019

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I don’t know if it’s just me but New Years makes my anxiety rocket from say a five to a ten quicker than you can say New Years. The thought of watching the count down, 3,2,1 and it’s 2019, sends shivers down my spine. I know many of you won’t understand but maybe a handful of you do. All I can think about is what could happen in the year to come. Whether loved ones will be with me this time next year, whether I’ll be better as a person or I will be the person I would hate to be. I know that I’m the only one who can ensure I don’t turn into the person who I would hate to be. But time moves so fast and it won’t stop for anyone. Even though you may feel at one point in the year that everything stops, because something has happened that makes life feel so still and empty.

Life is so precious, it’s so easy to take for granted. I’ve done it, I’m sure you have too. It’s mad that we only realise that we take it for granted when something happens that puts things into perspective. One saying I always stick by and strongly believe in, is everything happens for a reason. When something happens, that is life changing, I feel whether you’re religious or not, God or life has put that obstacle in your way for a reason. Because maybe experiencing this will help shape you into a better YOU. Help you realise that this is your life, you only have one shot so take the experience fully on board and you never know, maybe you’ll understand why this happens.

Believe in yourself, never doubt. I know for myself I probably spend the majority of my time doubting my decisions, this is something I want to change, not for anyone else but for myself. Don’t ever let anyone rule what you want to do. I feel if you truly believe in something you’ll get your head down and work for it. Unfortunately, things like this aren’t given to you on a plate, you’ve got to get on with it and face it head on.

This year I don’t want to set a resolution, because I feel that they are just empty promises to myself. They don’t mean anything to me. I just want to set myself little goals every week. To work on myself, to better myself, get rid of the fake people who wouldn’t even think twice about me. Toxic relationships – gone. I’m going to be selfish, being selfish doesn’t harm anyone. If you think, when you board a plane and the safety briefing commences, the flight attendant will explain “oxygen masks will drop from above…..put your own mask on first before anyone else’s”. This is classed as being Selfish. Selfishness isn’t a bad thing just don’t take advantage of it.

To you who is reading this. Thank you so much for this year, starting this blog has helped me in so many ways. More than you can imagine. It’s incredible to think that I’ve helped some of you reading this. This is honestly something I cannot even comprehend. I cannot believe that you’re taking time out of your day to read my posts. I’m sorry I haven’t been posting much lately, I’m hoping to get back on schedule again.

Hope you all had an incredible Christmas. And happy new year to you all! I wish you all the best take care of yourselves.

Megs xoxo (Instagram: Megjune99)

Loneliness

Isolation, abandonment, sadness…

The feeling of being isolated, you look at other peoples relationships and wish you had a friendship like theirs. Whether you’re recovering from a break up, or loss of friends I know how you feel, you’re not alone. I know you may feel like your suffocating yourself with the thoughts of longing to have a large group of friends. I’ve been there, and I’m here to tell you you’re not alone, and it’s normal to feel this way. I promise. The thing is, if we weren’t meant to feel lonely, we wouldn’t even know there was such feeling.

Even the one person you think has it all, from what you see is that they have a large group of friends, they seem happy, they have a house they live comfortably, all the things you long to have in your life. However, they could be the one who feel they have no one, they could go home and cry themselves to sleep, they don’t talk about it because they feel that they don’t have the right to feel this way. Which in fact (again), it’s ok to feel this way.

I remember, I left school at 16 and went straight into work whilst all of my “friend(s)” stayed in school for sixth form. I feel when this happens, you seem to go your separate ways, oh and you find out the truth of what your so called friends have said about you behind your back. Going straight to work after finishing school has made me such a different person. Even though I’ve lost so many people on this journey, I’ve also gained some proper friends along the way. I think sometimes you need to be in a bad place to actually appreciate the good things. I went through a stage just over a year ago, where I was in a job which at the time I didn’t realise was making me so negative, it was such a toxic work place my mental health spiralled, I went into a deep hole which was just (what it felt) Myself, loneliness and crazy anxiety. I woke up, anxious and sad, and I went to sleep crying and anxious. I was always just drained from energy from the amount of effort it took to even wash my hair, all the simple tasks seemed the hardest. I would go into work for 8:30 even though my shift didn’t start until 10, just because if I stayed home I would be in a state and would make myself sick from the thought of leaving the house, the thought that if I spoke to my manager I didn’t know whether she would rip my head off or reply in a polite tone (you can guess what would happen majority of the time). After working there for two years, I knew I needed to leave so I applied for a job in a Hospital Pharmacy, in which I can now say I’m happy with work. I wake up in the morning not dreading going into work, my managers are both lovely and I know I can speak to them when I need help. I can say good morning to them and they’ll be willing to have a conversation with me, I no longer need to walk on egg shells.

As well as being content with my job, I have finally found true friends, that I trust and I hope that they trust me too(you know who you are). What I’ve learnt is that you don’t have to have a large group of friends to feel happy and accepted, I only have a handful of friends and if I’m honest I do feel that I prefer it. The thing is as long as you treat people the way you want to be treated you will gain a huge amount of respect from those who are willing to spend their time with you, and if they don’t, you shouldn’t waste your precious time and energy on them. You’re worthy of living a happy and healthy life!

So the moral of this story/blog post, is that its okay to feel lonely, but I beg you please speak to someone, it’s important to tell someone how you’re feeling. Being stuck in this isolating bubble on your own is not nice, I would never wish it on my worst enemy. If you feel like you have no friends, I’ll be your friend. You’re not alone!

Remember: Take care of yourself, it’s ok to be selfish sometimes x